Bachpan mai ghar se bahar jitni bhi sexual molestation/abuse ho rahi tha mery sath jis k waja se meri self esteem gutter ma thi, same time par ghar mai mery dad jo aurat ko pao k joti samjhtay they aur apni mom, sisters, bhanjia, bhatijia, bhabhia, aur meri Amma ko zindagi bhar tung kia. Wo admi Allah ne mery lye musakkhar kar dia. Un ka dil mery lye jhuka dia. Un k under mai mery lye buhat haya rakh di.
I remember the nights when my father was up all night because I was not feeling well. Log kehtay they taweez bana lo apni beti ko takay hur wakt sath rahay tmharay, kehtay they es tang barabar bachi me lagam dali hoi hai apnay Abba ko.
Usi time par mery mai ego develop ho rahi thi kay main aur mery Abba koi buhat bari sari chez hain. Itna pyar mil raha tha k dimagh kharab ho raha tha. Jesay ye sochna kay Jannat mai sirf hum jaye gay. Us time par Amma ne sahe mujhy aukat mai rakha howa tha, meri ego maa k samnay thandi hoti thi. Agar Mom bhi mery sath loving, caring, kind hotin to main buhat zada extreme level par egoistic insan hoti jo kabhi Allah k baray mai nahi sochti. Jab k overall meri maa bht se jagaho par mery Abu se buhat behtar ensan thi, parents k obedient, achi student, best sister, respectful, cahti thin bachay education par focus karain, helpful, kind thi hamari sari maids k sath, magar Khuda ka kudrat kay Allah ne mom ko mery lye kafi strict kar dia tha, dad ko mery lye intehai soft, gentle, loving and caring.
Then one day, everything changed with my dad. The loving relationship I once had with him was over. It was the most difficult and darkest period of my life for two reasons:
I was being sexually abused at home.
My entire life had revolved around my father and i didn’t know how to live.
These wounds have opened my eyes to A LOT of things jo Pakistani na samjhtay hain, na samjhna cahtay hain, na samjh saktay hai kiu ky wo in sab se nahi guzray jis se main guzri. En he chezo par reflect kar kay mujhy pata chala k aik theory wali haya hoti hai or aik practical wali haya hoti hai. Ye aik buhat important chez hoti hai kay aap ko idea ho kay aap actual mai haya walay ho aur wakt anay par aap haya wala prove karo apnay ap ko.
Bay hayyai ek chez hoti hai, media, films, pornography se kis tarah se society bigar rahi hai, jo aik mard k subconscious brain mai aurat ko sex object prove kar chukay hain aur main isi waja se choti se age se hur admi k aik se zada shadio k haq mai ho gai + jaldi umar k shadi k advocate ho gai aur mujhy lagta tha k agar aik admi k pass multiple options ho desire fultill karnay kay to child abuse k chances, mehram par sexual attack kay chances, rape cases aur gf bf culture ka rate buhat decrease ho sakta hai.
Un hi days mai I started developing attraction towards females, it was so intense and different k mujhy samjh nahi ata tha, i kept asking questions, main ne to kabhi esa content consume hi nahi kia, mery lye to main dunia mai akeli person thi jis ko girls mai buhat shaded type ki attraction ho gai thi, and I still struggle with this desire.
Mera khayal hai mera life ka fitna hi yahi hai, Jab main college mai thi to kafi awaam mujhy letters likhti thi or main buhat khush bhi hoti thi or interest se parhti thi, gifts, cards, flowers, letters, aik din mujhy ehsas howa k Allah ne bhi Quran k surat mai letter bheja hai apnay words mai, us ko bhi interest se parhna chahiye. Meri jab bhi Quran pak par nazar parti main mujhy sharmandagi hoti or main hamesha bolti I am sorry.
I don’t like labeling myself gay. Magar Girls k sath attraction se mujh se dosri side of the world bhi open hoi k wahan kia chal raha hai, kia socha ja raha hai. Allah Tala did not give me many opportunities to live in the community because the darkness they have is destroying the light of my soul.
Jab jab main community mai zada ghusi mujhy nuqsan puhancha financially bhi aur mentally bhi aur sexually bhi aur mujhy lessons milay k family system ka thek hona, aik individual ka real mai haya wala hona, husband wife ka strong healthy relationship hona, ek dosray k khamio par sabr e jameel karna, bacho kay sath parents ka loving relationship buhat buhat important hai, isi waja se main hamesha apni friends k husbands k lye kabhi ghalat mashwaray, fasad k advices, lario ko barhanay wali batain nahi karti, hamesha basnay walay mashwaray deti hun takay kisi ka ghar kharab na ho aur phir koi bacha homosexuaily ya straight ho kar bhi sexually kharab adato mai na par jaye.
Kisi ko nahi pata aik halal rishta (shadi) totnay se aur kharab honay say kitna kuch fasad phel sakta hai. Kafi sari straight females shadi totnay ki waja se apnay ap ko Lesbian group mai involve karnay lagi hain. Please understand there is nothing awesome about being a sexually azad person, zada dhoop ho to lake door se shine karti nazar ati hai jesay gold k layers ho, qareeb jao to koi gold nahi hota sirf gehrai hai jo aap ko doba sakti hai. Jo jitna sexually azad nazar a raha hai, wo utna zada GHULAM hai.
Disney, Netflix, Bollywood, Hollywood, tamam Media Industry and Western Social Media influencers are teaching us that there are no gender rules, jo jis kay sath chahy aur aik time par jitnay logo k sath chahy physically involve howa ja sakta hai. Threesomes and open relationships are becoming more popular.
Meri friend ka Gay bhai apnay bf k sath live in relation mai rehtay hoye open relationship mai bhi hai kay alright, we can occasionally go around and DO STUFF with other males as well. Disgusting! His story actually disturbed me kay hum kis rastay par hain kahan ja kar hamari sexual desires k end hai? Sab kuch desires k hisab se kar lia phir bhi hum sukoon mai kiu nahi hai? No Harm Rule or consent ho to sab jaiz hai is rapidly increasing. Chalain banda ye sab kar lain to kia sukoon mil raha hai? Kisi k pass bhi sukoon nahi hai. Main ne gay community mai aik banda bhi sukoon se nahi dekha. NOT EVEN ONE SINGLE PERSON.
I have always loved Prophet sallallahu alayhay wasallam like always. Thanks to my Dad. Lekin real mai mujhy in sab experiences se pass ho kar yakeen ho gaya kay His way is the right way. Chahay Islamic sazai ho chahay zina k saza ho chahay hath katnay k saza ho. Aur ye bhi ek chez mujh par clear hoi k aurat k sab se zada respect or real kind wali izzat sirf Islam de raha hai aur Nabi sallallahu alayhay wasallam k life perfect thi. Ek time tha meri life mai kay I used to cry A LOT….A LOTTTTT kay mera koi nahi, main safe nahi ghar mai, bahar etc etc. Aur us time mujhy buhat shiddat se ehsas howa kay agar main Nabi sallallahu alayhay wasallam kay pass jati aur batati k SIRF aik banday ne mera hath pakra hai to mery lye JUNG cheer di jati. Even while writing this, it gives me goosebumps. Mujh se pocha nahi jata k aap ne kapray kaun se pehnay they? Aap ka sexual preference kia hai? Sirf mera sabit kar dena k mery sath sirf hath pakar lia batanay par jaan lene dene ky nobat ajati. Agar Mery aba nahi hai, mery bhai nahi hai dhang ke ensaan to Ummat kidhar gai? It means Islam ne mujhy disappoint nahi kia, ye Musalman hai jinhu ne Islam ka essence jo kay jihad tha usay nahi samjha. Islam mai sirf PRACTICAL help hoti thi. Musalman ne hi dosray Musalman/dosray ensaan ki action se help karni thi.
Aur jab koi bhi nahi raha bhai behan Ammi Dad mera apna to that was the time mujhy realize howa k Allah ne Quran ma farmaye hai k Peghambar sallallahu alahay wasallam ko aap k lye bheja hai takay jin k pass upar dekhnay k lye koi ideal parents ya elder siblings ya khandan na ho Un k lye bhi Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alahay wasallam k ZAAT hai. Quran direct bhi a sakta tha magar Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alahay wasallam k through aaya takay Mujh jeso k lye bhi koi ho jin ka koi nahi.😊
Allah Tala se lur kar Islam chor kar 2 saal tak to laga Allah Tala ko lag pata jaye ga k main ne Namaz chor di hai. Magar eik din sham mai main chat par thi to mujhy Allah Tala ne notice karwaya kay asman bhi khobsurat lag raha hai, sunset bhi thek ho raha hai, moon bhi nikal raha hai, traffic bhi hai. It means meri namaz na parhay se fark agar kisi ko para hai to Main khud hun. Allah Tala ko ibadat se fark nahi parta. Wo pyar karta hai is lye nahi k wo needy hai meri tarah balkay is lye k wo kadar dan hai, so namaz parhni hai to meri zat ka faida hai, nahi parhni to meri zat ka nuqsan hai, Allah k pass bht zada makhloq hai sajdo k lye. Shayed ye enlightenment ka moment tha. So agar main door na jati to main hamesha is ghumand mai rehti k meri Namaz koi bht chez hai. Ye ghumand tot gaya, alhamdulillah kabhi kabhihi gunnah mai bhi buhat blessings hoti hai. This realization made me fall in love with HIM even more.
Kuch logo ko, kuch rishto ko bay inteha izzat di, magar kafi years bad kuch wo change ho gaye, kuch main grow ho gai or kuch itna torwaya Allah ne mujhy mehram rishto say, na mehram rishto se k wahan muihy ye Allah ne realize karaya k hur koi hamesha acha nahi ho sakta, aj jo piara hai aapka wo kal dushman ho sakta hai, jo apna hai wo ghair ho sakta hai, hur rishtay ka ek end hai, siwaye Allah aur mery talluq kay.
Let’s talk about miscarriage. Mujhy buhat different phases se guzara hai Allah ne. Maa wali bht muhabbat rakhi mery under. Bachpan se bacha adopt karna cahti thi takay parents ko batao kay bachay ko kis tarah se piar dia jata hai or protect kia jata hai. Magar Aba aur Bhai k harkato ko dekha to sochti thi to beta hoa to aba se nahi milwao gi, beti hoi to bhai se nahi q kay bachay un k sath safe nahi they aur mehram, na mehram ka fark bhi nahi tha.
What a tragic story. It made me very down to think about all the experiences I have had. My family’s denial of those experiences is still very hurtful to me. Khair Dr. Israar farmatay they Allah ne esa chaha to phir esa hi sahe ho ga, Allah ne kia hai to thek hi ho ga.
Pregnancy k bad mera stress bht barh gaya ek to susral ka jahil awam ka stress dosra apnay bachay k sexually protect karnay ka stress. Alhamdulillah k miscarriage ho gaya warna bacha ata to main mentally ill ho jati. Main hur kisi par shak karti kisi k pass bacha nahi deti aur so he na pati k kahi koi mery bachay ko hath na laga lay. I am really really sad, but I am also very grateful that the miscarriage happened.
Phir mujhy laga ab sub bura ho he gaya hai life mai. Ab kia he hona hai aur Universe ne is ko challenge samjh lia. Aur phir mujh par aik murder attempt hoi. Us se pehlay main ghar chorna cahti thi magar himmat nahi ho pati thi or parents ka khayal rehta tha. Is incident k bad main city move kar gai alhmadulillah aur.. I guess ek behtar period ka start howa jis mai buhat difficulties bhi thi q k akelay rehnay k adat nahi thi, buhat saray lessons milay, dukh milay, lgbtq groups ma bethay to buhat kuch pata chala, Islam aur zada SAHE sabit hota gaya mery brain mai, aur ye bhi pata chala k aurat ko mard he sambhal sakta hai, Aur ye bhi elm howa k bht se community kay log Islam chor kar ja rahay hain aur ye bhi pata chala k bht se achay log bhi hai yahan jo barbad ho gaye Musalmano ki nafrat ki waja se.
Hamesha jab bhi main ne kisi kaam ki bht zada zid pakri to Allah Tala khud se karwa detey hain aur phir sath sath mery brain mai chipkay bhi rehtay hain to prove His points k Islam is the only right way towards peace 👿😏
Today, I am the kindest, most helpful, genuine, honest, and authentic person I could be, thanks to all the problems, abuse, depression, stress, anxiety, heartbreaks, difficulties, and issues I have faced. I am better, smarter, and wiser today because of everything that has happened to me. I am grateful for my father, mother, and siblings for being the bura tareen they can be, so the best in me can come out. Sometimes I feel like series ka main character to main hi hun, but they played a negative role in bringing out my best qualities.
For everyone, especially my close relatives, who made me feel really bad by making fun of my brown skin color, appearance, dress sense, and when I didn’t do well in school even though mera brain function hi nahi karta tha aur sath mai, I was going through horrific things. Shaded hurtful chezain kahi gai mery baray mai, I am very sure agar wo mujhy itna chota, worthless, gunda, bura, ghatia, nikamma, nalaik, kum shakal, aur dustbin jesa feel na karwatay to Allah Tala directly meri tarbiyat na kartay. Thank you and I am trying to forgive you.
May those my father harmed receive every blessing in this world and the next, and may they forgive him. It would be hard for me to enjoy the privileges in akhrat without being able to see my father there and be proud of his product.
I have deleted the gay dating app a few months now. It’s been a challenging time as I distance myself from things that I desire. The fear of falling back into temptation is real but I am committed to staying on HIS path through dua and hard work. Jesay aik soldier ko rozna jung mai larna parta hai mukammal preparations kay sath bagher ghaflat aur susti kay until the war ends. In shaa Allah, i will succeed.
inspiring!